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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gray's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 25th, 2010
6:04 am
fark, my blender broke
no smoothie time tonight. The blender is toast :(
Its been a good couple of weeks of dating.
As I carefully follow the white rabbit, the path twists and turns. One door closes, another opens. Sweet.
I found a new occupation, painting snails. There are lots of snails outside near my sidewalk. They mostly come out at night.... Mostly.
So each night I catch a few and paint them. Red, Green, Gold, Polka Dot, fluorescent orange! Then I return them to the wild. Tonight I actually found one with my UV light (still alive) yeah! Go painted snails! It takes a lot of skill to paint 11 tiny moving canvases at once.

So its Friday night and I went out by myself. I am a little cautious about devoting my weekends to women I am already dating right now. The more women I date, the more perspective I get now so I need some me time.

I went downtown. It works like this:

The quiet single guy digs deep for courage and energy to brave the elements, the crowds, the lights (Oooh, he loves the lights). He puts on his shoulders and his wit and dusts off his kneecaps. He makes one last attempt to convince a girl to join this adventure of a life. Nah, she wants to sleep. The white rabbit says no, you must go alone. Oh white rabbit, is this my path he consults. "Yes, follow me, Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late" He follows. Tonight he finds free parking (SWEET) and the foot journey begins. He goes from club to club listening for the right sound, looking for the right lighting, smelling for the right crowd. Too dark, too loud, to expensive. Tonight he finds club Barbarella. Fire code anyone? This place is packed like a can of sardines. Prince sings to the crying doves and this guy, he dances his ass off. Sardine to sardine its hot and there is no A/C. Still he dances. Someone cuts the cheese and it lingers for minutes, no ventelation. Still he dances. He doesn't exist; He is alone; Of course he is alone, he doesn't exist, so anything else would be rediculous. Tonight, he is etheral (A vapor of connected knobs). Etheral I tell you. But here is how it works: He will spend the night dancing his ass off. Alone. And then the connection will happen. This little window. Surrounded by tens of thousands of people and he is alone. For hours. He tries to keep that wit for when he least expected. Thats when it happens. Make a split second decision and grab the lightening bolt right in mid strike. Hesitate, and the opportunity is lost.

So I am almost to the car when this drunk chick calls me over to chat on the steps. I take the bate (The rabbit told me to). She can't seem to get my name right probably because I never told her. Her friend the sober one listens quietly. We talk of where we are from and all that crap. We speak of breakfast and then of travel. Yeah, I could go anywhere but I have no motivation. Thats when the sober one takes notice. Oh, an expression of wealth or something? So now she is really interested. I mention that I am on a dating site and they seem freaked, like that's odd or something. I guess they meet all their men on street corners??? Then I mention that I am dating more than one person at a time. ludicrous, shocking, I know, (I didn't even mention polyamory) but apparently just the idea of dating more than one person at a time is foreign to these two. Finally, she announces: "Oh, you're a free spirit". Her interest wanes. I can't put you in a box and keep you, you will just go away one day. You are useless to me she more or less says. Now I am about to say "I could be the most interesting different person you have ever met, don't you at least want to make a connection before I vapor away (I am after all etheral) when these two dudes come up. The vocal dude is asking for directions. His buddy fidgets uncomfortably and actually apologies for macking on my hit/fishing in my pond/hitting on my girls or whatever. But by now the girls are done with me anyway and its time to vaporize away. I make my goodbye. Really, you really would rather chat with some dude when the first thing that comes out of his mouth is "How can I get to 15th street?" really? Lets see, they aren't drunk, they walked from 8th, now they are on 9th and they need to get to 15th. Really? Enjoy the con job and have a good night. Poof. The rabbit leads me safely home. "Sleep well my human friend, for tomorrow will be another adventure. You will return that watch band that didn't fit and I see a new blender in your future"
Thursday, August 19th, 2010
7:17 am
As Yoda said
Fear is the path to the dark side; fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
He was talking about war. But love is only so different.
I know that many of my relationships have been destroyed by fear.
You can't enslave the butterfly. The tighter you grip, the more of
his yellow goop slips between your fingers. Such is love. Sometimes I think of giving up the poly lifestyle. I have been thinking about that a lot. If only I could join the likes of the serial monogamous. If only I could say the words everyone wants to hear. Your silly rollercoasters would buck me off before the cycle got stale anyway would it not?

Stupid Yoda, but no, he is right. Its all about fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what could be, fear of what couldn't be, fear that I would leave you before you left me, fear that we couldn't bear the thought that there's someone out there better for us than each other, fear of what everyone else thinks, fear that I would lie to you.

How many of your relationships were struck down before their time due to fear my reading friends? Could I love you so little that I would hold you so tightly to me that you might miss your true path? No. I wont. Instead I will love you better. Better than anyone. My heart may crack and blister, but I will love you free. And when your little wings beat beat beat you away from me to a wonderful new flower, I will rejoice for you.

I got angry. Angry that the most beautiful summer I could have had (we could have had), you took from me/us. I may never feel this opportunity again. My sea is limitless and you left me. My sea is empty. So I sit here in the darkness as did that child so long ago in the lonely of summer. I feel like Burgess Meredith as Henry Bemis "Time Enough at Last" That's not fair, there was time now!
Was it the communication? Or was it the fear?
The butterfly's path is never certain until it is dead, dead, dead.
So the world laughed I guess as it cycled us through its entropy. As does the child, poking away at a physalia physalis on the beach with his bitter stick. poke, poke, poke.

But I understand now. I am not angry any more. Frustrated, yes. But I
am going to do something wonderful. I am going to find a way to melt my heart all back together. And in loss, I am going to love you as only I can. What was will likely never be again, but in those moments....
We laughed in Dante's fireplace, tap danced on Tarzan's grave, clad ourselves in syrupy velure, tiptoed through the rapture, made love in the river of rotting pleather. We really were something else. I honor that.
I know what we both fear now. That as individuals we will never find this again. I wish the best for you/me/us. One day I will rejoice for you again.
Thursday, August 12th, 2010
5:58 pm
Yesterday I canoed from Zilker. Just after the rain. There was a really thick fog/myst above the water about 3 ft thick. It was awesome. At times I could easily immagine that I was anywhere in the world, paddeling through the humid, misty heat. At one point a dragonfly approached to land on my hand, and in that thick humid fog, I could swear she was flapping her little wings in slow motion. Time almost stood still as those little wing beats guided the hover into a landing. fwoof fwoof fwoof fwoof. We made a wish together, and then she went about her way.
3:03 am
Vegas is big. Hard to find anything other than places to deposit money and alchohol. Just looking for a <$10 sandwich is an afternoon challenge.
I wasn't exactly prepared, but learned something new every day. My friends worked at the confrence most of the time then gambled. I danced alot; Found it hard to talk to anyone for more than 60sec chit chat. Largely couples and groups. The dance clubs were meccas but it was too loud to talk to anyone there. My best conversation was with a group of trannys I met at a club off the strip, they seemed to have all been through Austin (to Ft. Hood) at some point. Overall, I had a good, worth while time, but just barely.
Monday, August 9th, 2010
10:46 pm
Writer's Block: My Journey
If you had the chance to travel anywhere in the world for a year, where would you go?

I keep asking myself this, but I dont really care. Wherever I would meet cool people I guess. Travel just isn't important to me at this time. Maybe If I had a cool chick to go with, then pretty much anywhere.
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
12:41 pm
yesterday I decided to go to vegas.
I need to get my bags packed in the next 22 minutes.
Sooooo, what do you do in vegas, anyway?

being jobless is weird
I miss H she was lots of awsomeness in a cool woman package.
When I lost her I also let go of all the people that were a part of that.
I tolerated their s*it while we were still together, but in the end, a lot of resentment. I dont need that kind of friends. I release you.

So I am in the void, fairly alone but starting over, and I am going to get unstuck from this place, whatever it takes.

Its time to come out of the rabbit hole, pack it in my napsack and take it on a new journey. Lets go.
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
10:48 pm
Birthday stuffs
Hi, sorry I don't write any more just seems like I keep busy enough.
So I am celebrating a big ugly birthday and you are all invited.
Saturday there is to be a lunch and a dinner.
If I left any of you off the evite let me know.
Don't have any after dinner plans, I forgot how to do birthdays since its usually the day before or the day of Flipside.
Monday, January 14th, 2008
11:38 pm
Today is the birthday of someone who was once very close to me. We haven't spoken in 28 years so I am not sure how it matters. But I thought I would honor this moment in a small way by taking the time to make note. I hope your day was filled with yummy goodness and peace as I would with any stranger or father.
Monday, October 15th, 2007
9:26 am
its a new day
Today its back to work. Its a new day and I am trying to cope with the loss of my beloved kitty. He was a part of me for 13 years since my ex wife took him in, a starving kitten, out of the bushes in front of our apartment in Pennsylvania. He was fur and bones then and I reluctantly accepted him. It took 2 years to get him healthy and since then he has been my companion. The tough acting, scardy cat of an orange tabby I called Mr Wooo. After the divorce we split the two cats. Her cat died earlier this year. Mr Wooo was my baby and something to come home too. He was always there for me.
You spent last week in the vet and I took you home every night and cared for you. You didn't understand the tubes and Funnel collar. I did everything I could. I tried so hard to bring you back to me. I didn't let you give up even in the times you wanted to. In our last goodbye you were calm and you looked at me like, hey its ok. You died in surgery an hour later.
I cant believe your gone
Thanks for all you have done
In loving memory

Monday, July 30th, 2007
12:00 am
its been so long
I got so overwhelmed with everything going on in life that I just left lj behind. I think I was sort of afraid to log in after so long. Well I logged into an old yehoo email account the other day and found that they wipe everything out after 4 months of inactivity. I thought that was kind of cruel but I guess thats one of the problems with having your life tied to big companies, they can erase your a** and you cant do anything about it. Speaking of data, I killed another thumbdrive yesterday. Dropped it and its DOA. Thats 2 this year. Of couse I dont think I had anything not backed up on it, but now I will never know. Anybody else find thumbdrives to not be nearly as reliable as we tend to believe?
Its going to be a hectic week, my job moved to a new building so it will be pressing to get back up and running and I need to take friday off for my grandmothers funeral service.
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
9:47 pm
None of the above
Oh, horrid lace of length too great
what bequest you to plague my fate?
That once smooth appearance and tight end
now tattered and dull beneath my shin.
For your length- too great, catches beneath
my sole among the many great treks which
I encountered and will again.
How are you not just wicked sin?
As you get ripped and pulled and untied again.
And as for your brethren to the
left, even worse still. A frayed out mess
he is, could your makers not feel?
And after these long months and the
years of those before you, I now seek

Through careful measurement,
and zig-zag translation,
I challenge you,
motivate you,
purge your sensation.

And with brief snip of red handled steel,
your bitter betrayal of over-exuberance
is judged and jured and now lays

Your place determined...
and your fit--- as it should be.

Next for your kin, just seconds after begin,
The inch worm humps through its last hole.
Now I am free, no longer fearing shallow
mud nor escalator gearing nor my own stead.
The amputated ends of you tied and pocketed as
due remembrance of those small bitter burdens
once ignored as tiny splinters but ever
festering upon my gait.
Until now: this new walk, I just cant wait!
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
8:11 pm
Yesterday I got my first flu shot.
Also had to take a random screening drug test at work.
I think this is kind of stupid. Not so much that they do it, but
that they then send you back to your desk. Now for that guy/girl
who just did a line of coke the night before, he/she now knows
(and management doesn't) that he/she is going to be fired in a few
days. And he/she is wondering 'how am I going to pay for my coke
addition' Well, he/she probably then procedes to take all the paper
clips and trade secrets he/she can find right out the door.
Thank you very much. As for me, I will be fine to the accuracy
of the test, else the company will pay for a more accurate test,
else they will loose a lot of paper clips.

I voted on Nov 7. I have to admit though, I didnt know much
about the candidates and other than a few.
I mainly went to vote down the 7 propositions that would
raise our taxes and cost us all at least $50 to $100 or more a
year increases to
pay for such things as $670mill for road repair and $30mill rebuilding
Zach Scott Theatre, $90mill for a new library downtown (why cant they
build a library somewhere it doesn't cost me $6 to park?)
http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/bonds/ will tell you what you bought
Well fine if thats what Austin wants then good, but my question is if
we are so anxious to pay more taxes for services then why did we
need to contract a for profit company to toll us to use our own roads?
How much taxation is enough?
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
6:47 pm
My washing machine sprung a leak. Of course it's the downstairs neighbor that always notices these things first. So I had an unexpected flurry of activity with the bailing and scooping and wet-vacing and hand washing and all. The very next day I go off and leave my wallet at home, remembering about 1/3 of the way into work. I decide I don't really need it as long as I dont get a speeding ticket or something. I ride break much to the dislike of the car behind me. I squirm as the officer around the next bend points his radar at me. Such odd luck I must say. He appears to have recently added a stock on the back of it so he holds it like a rifle now instead of like a pistol. Something rather odd happens in the back of your brain as you come around a corner and spot a guy standing there pointing a rifle looking thing at you, speeding or not.
These 50 hour work weeks are starting to drag. Come Christmas time if I am still having to work through my vacation then I will print up lots of scrooge pictures from "A Christmas Carrol" and post them on my walls.
I am totally stoaked about it being Halloween, I am trying to get all my costumes ready and set for upcoming parties. Anyone know of anything going on Halloween night or the Friday after Halloween? I only have one scheduled party to crash.
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
2:24 pm
J & I are going to see Live at LaZonaRosa on Sunday. Yea for 80s rock.
Monday, September 25th, 2006
10:02 am
With my parents in this weekend and ACL fest last and my trip to the burningman festival before that and two weeks of intense burningman preparation its been an exceedingly busy two months.
Here is the BM report:

My first trip to the Burning Man festival in Nevada was a success. The 35 hour drive was grueling and even worse on the way back being so tired, but overall it was a great vacation.
There were many things to see and do and the seven days in the desert went by all to quickly. When my friend and I arrived on opening day the 2 mile wide city of tents, domes, pyramids, scaffolds, RV's and shade structures was already well under construction. The chaos began immediately.

It was very difficult to find anything or anyone. We spent 2.5 hours wondering in the hot
sun looking for our group. No one seemed to know where anything was at that point or care.
I got angry and sat in my car. This was the symptom I had been told about as being dehydration
in the desert. I drank some water, I felt better. I ended up setting up my tent near the first friends that I ran into and that was a sweet spot to be. Thanks to Ryan and Clovis for the hospitality.

Being formed out of California there were a lot of people from that region, but I was amazed at how many people I met from New Zeland, Scotland, France, Belgium, and every other corner of the world. Over the seven precious days I did manage to find most of the friends whom I knew were there, but many of the people I chatted with on the street were never to be seen again in a crowd of (someone said) over 40000 people. The art cars were amazing and the costumes were fantastic. You really couldn't tell anything about a person by the way they were dressed, cross-dressed, costumed, or not dressed at all.

I am only aware of one of my friends having serious injuries. I am hoping that he will have a speedy recovery without burn complications to his vision or skin.

The sun was bright and the evenings cold. I found myself riding my bike all day long looking at the new artwork that arrived every day and walking all night, sometimes until the sun came up, or touring on an art bus. Then crashing for a few hours until the tent got hot, drinking water and pedialite until my hands stopped shaking from the altitude and dehydration and then starting out again.

As long as you had a dust mask, goggles, food and water and baby wipes, then survivability wasn't too difficult (in my opinion). We only had a few hours of white-out where the fine mist of blowing dust was too thick to see or go anywhere. I was always cold in the evenings because the temperature would drop and the tent was too far away to want to go put on another layer, but it was never bitter cold this year. I have washed my car inside and out twice and two more times should have it back to normal.

I want to thank the BM community for the art, the 3000 people light saber battle, snow cones, elvis cooked peanut-butter-banana or something sandwich, that crunchy pickle in the dust storm, juicy watermelon, the hair wash, the dust, the blowtorch roasted marshmallow, a week without commercial advertisements, that rare and delightful *cold* beer, the people I know for their hugs and hospitality.

Overall, I hope to go back again some day.

Its funny how going to ACL Music Festival provided such a contrast. A big crowd of people out in the sun wearing entirely too much clothing and being subjected to a plethora of commercialism. AMD, AT&T buy buy buy. Not that I didn't have fun at ACL, it just was a contrast.
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
9:54 am
dying to catch up to lj and post some BM experiences
But for now I am trying to sell off some ACL 3day passes for $99 each. Thats $31 under cost. Will also post to craigslist.
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
12:43 am
fast times again
Well its been a crazy few weeks. I changed to a different position at work and there is work to do now but no real pressure. I have been spending a lot of time looking for a house, but have realized that I am happy renting where I am at or buying if I find the right place. Either way is cool, and you cant convince me that buying is a better investment. I have punched the numbers and I know the truth, or at least a pretty close approximation of most of the variables. But house hunting is a lot of work and I decided to slack off this month. I started on this crazy programming contest a week before it was due and was making progress. Then last Saturday as the inevitable calendar pages rolled around to the mark BUY TICKETS FOR BURNING-MAN that I had written in it a year ago I sat there and said why the He11 not? So I did and then abandoned the contest in exchange for a week of panic and now I am getting ready. 3 evenings more to get ready for my ultimate adventure.
I hope to see some of you there. I hope to see some of you when I get back.
Monday, July 31st, 2006
3:19 pm
The last two weekends have been very full by the time they were half over. The second half spent snoozing it off. Sometimes I feel bad about that, but really some downtime to reflect is probably necessary. I just wish I could get a few more things done instead of blahing out sometimes.
Maybe I need to work on my diet for that. It could be partially related to self induced sugar comas.
Anyway, I had a great time at Gfire and Dorian's birthday party. The baby oil twister was especially zaney and watching the amazing blindfolded lapdancing. It was nice to see/meet Holly, M7, Paige, Adam, Demitri and all those other cool cats while lounging in pillow-oasis.
This weekend I saw Scanner Darkly and went to Dub&Mec's leopaluza party. A good time as always. Got to see Flash and some other friends there. Had some great dinner with blueyedmaiden &D &H at Bombey Bistro on 183 & Braker.
Monday, July 10th, 2006
12:09 pm
Saw Drawing Restraint at the dobie. It was a most unusual flick.
It felt weird having that tuesday off. I was glad to get to see nosugarsadded Went to the Fiona Apple concert with chgmyf8 and had a blast. If you go to a concert at the Backyard now, be prepared for a hike. They built a strip mall behind it and pushed the parking back behind that. Saturday I went with H. to Enchanted Rock. It was my first time. We climbed and hiked the day away. Sunday was quiet, I wanted to see my grandparents but couldnt reach them. They just moved to Austin but sounds like they wont stay here. It was nice though to have some down time. I had been worried that I wouldnt get that in but it all worked out wonderfully.

This afternoon the sodas had been delivered to our work and as the usual good citizen I was loading them into the fridge so we can have chilled drinks. As I was shoveling them in one of the 6 packs caught the edge of the fridge bracket. Being freshly delivered and rather shaken up from that, one of the cans decided to split open like a seagull on alkiselser and empty its entire 12ounces of sticky liquid in 0.12 seconds. It was a fountainous spew! Although my clothing was unscathed, the floor and all parts of the fridge became a bloodbath of cola. Kind of reminded me of what happened to the tea room in Drawing Restraint.
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
11:29 am
Home ownership or vacation?
I am trying to decide what to do with my 2 weeks of vacation this year.
My choices so far involve going to BurningMan or buying a house and moving in.
Granted, these are two very different life altering events so a bit of contrast
is in store.

BurningMan Pro's - Con's
p:a vacation more adventurous than any such cruise or wally world.
c:potential to get hurt or sick
c:a long drive. I dont know if I can do it.
p:beautiful art
c:survival mode

Buying a house Pro's - Con's
p:my own space
c:having a yard to deal with
p:a fresh start, cleaning 7 hears of dust and rearranging everything to my current taste.
c:the pain of moving
p:an investment that can grow my net worth
c:the risk of loosing money in the investment
p:being able to paint
c:having to paint
c:going from a year of money in the bank to 20 years of debt, having to worry about loosing my job
p:having more space and a workshop
c:having to spend more time keeping up my place and yard and less time working on projects
p:being able to have friends&family stay in a guest room.
c:kicking out friends&family onto the street when they have outstayed their welcome
p:not having to worry about noisy neighbors moving into my building
c:having a neighborhood association gripe at me whenever the grass is too long
c:not have close enough neighbors to hear if I was getting robbed
p:tax break for buying a home
c:more (unused) property=higher taxes than an apartment
p:pride of ownership, not connected to another unit.
c:having to pay someone and miss work when the A/C goes out
p:thinking about the value of my property going up
c:worrying about the value of my property when terrorist attack downs the economy or the baby boomers start dying/selling.
p:buy before the market goes up too much, before AMD comes to town, etc.

So a vacation seems kind of trivial in comparison to buying a house, I know.
But there are a lot of worries and burdons to consider there.

My last fortune cookie said:
"Adventure awaits you this weekend. re awaits you this weekend."
At first I thought it may be a cut and pase typo, but then I realized that it
was a fortune and therefore not subject to a typo. A glitch in the matrix?
But I still havent figured out who this re or how they will or have affected my life.
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